Control
by You.Are.Me
Summary: The only way to keep the truth from his friends is to deal with the situation himself, and Kyoya only knows one way of controlling the anger and despair he feels when his dad abuses him. Rated for self harm. Its a dark fic, people!
1. Chapter 1

So dark you might need a flashlight.

~K~

"_You are an embarrassment!"_

The smooth, shiny metal in his hand was cool; much cooler than his cheeks stung red from being slapped across the face.

"_All you do is cause problems and bring shame to this family!"_

Everything seemed to be amplified: the bathroom lights were so bright he was squinting and the thumping in his chest was so loud he thought it was bouncing off the white tile that surrounded him and getting even louder. The only color he could see was the faint blue he exposed by pulling back his sleeve. The only color he wanted to see was red.

"_You blatantly dishonor me, and you are stupid enough to think there will be no consequence?"_

He brought the gleaming metal to his wrist and took a deep breath. His fingers were trembling but he wasn't scared- he was angry. This fiery, gut wrenching anger, this _hatred_ stirring in his stomach and making him sick… He hated this voice in his head, inescapable, reminding him of how _terrible_ he was… Screaming the truth until he was dizzy… There was only one way to gain control of his life again…

And it was slashing across his wrist until there was red, slowly rising up out of the cut to stain his white skin. It stung, but he liked the pain. He liked that he had done it to himself. His father thought he could hurt him, but _he_ was the one in control of his pain. Getting angry was pointless. Telling people was pathetic. It was best just to cut himself and move on. He could feel his anger draining as he broke the skin again, everything that was pent up inside him seeming to flow out with the blood that dripped from his wrist.

Kyoya lifted his head to look at himself in the mirror over his sink. His eyes only barely gave away his lack of sleep but his skin was becoming pale; if he let himself bleed any longer his complexion might become suspicious. With a sigh the teen turned on the faucet and carefully cleaned off his blade, then his wrist. Two new, dark red scars stood out amongst a sea of identical marks but Kyoya paid them no mind, pulling his sleeve down again and adjusting his school tie in the mirror.

_I'm in control._

_I'm happy._

For a moment, the dark haired teen frowned slightly back at his reflection in the mirror. They wouldn't believe it unless he believed it himself. The phone in his pocket began buzzing and he knew it must be Tamaki, sending him a good morning. Reaching into his pocket irritated the scars on his wrist, pain flaring up from the new marks. The stinging reminded him he was alive, in a world that made him feel as if he was made of stone.

_I'm in control._

Kyoya turned and headed out into the hallway, grabbing his school bag as he went.

_I'm happy._

~K~

A friend forced me to publish this- I wasn't going to because I didn't plan on continuing it. If I get more than 6 reviews though, my friend vowed to make me write more, so do with that what you will. And now this is a shoutout to her: IgneelxRanma forever! ;D


	2. Chapter 2

Well, here it is! Took a while, but this is much longer than the last chapter so maybe it was worth the wait. I got a review from rhetoricfemme saying it would be nice to see each Host member reach out to Kyoya and I really like the idea, so that's the direction I'm going in. Enjoy this first bit with the twins!

~KKHKK~

It was an unusually chilly morning and Kyoya walked briskly through the cement courtyard, shoulders hunched against the cold. The students around him were chattering and laughing, but Kyoya couldn't comprehend how they could be enjoying themselves so early in the morning. It was starting to hit him now how little sleep he had gotten and paired with the cold it felt like an effort to merely make it to the building, let alone sparing time to pause and chat.

Looking around at the students as he walked, Kyoya felt a pang of- _something_- in his gut. They may be wearing the same clothing and they may both come from privileged families but on the inside, Kyoya knew he was nothing like the other students. Even among friends he felt lonely. Kyoya shook away the thought, burrowing his hands deeper in his pockets and noting the stinging it caused. His own company was all he ever needed, anyway.

"Kyoya-sempai, wait up!"

Kyoya paused, looking over his shoulder to see a set of Hitachiins heading his way. When they got a little closer they greeted their Shadow King with matching grins.

"Morning Kyoya- cold one, isn't it?"

Kyoya adjusted his glasses, replying with a simple 'hmm'. Seemingly undeterred by his less-than-enthusiastic hello, Kaoru asked

"We're looking for his Highness, have you seen him?"

Hikaru added cynically

"Yeah, he must've skipped the decaf today or something 'cause he's already up to antics this morning…"

Kyoya lifted an eyebrow, eyeing the twins.

"Complaining about antics? That's ironic, coming from you two…"

Hikaru rolled his eyes, but his twin crossed his arms skeptically.

"Hey, Kyoya, you didn't answer my question! Are you hiding the boss from us?"

Both twins were eyeing him distrustfully now, and it was Kyoya's turn to roll his eyes.

"I haven't seen Tamaki at all this morning. Now I must get going, I have duties in the morning as class representative…"

The twins were always so lively, Kyoya found them difficult to spend much time with. After all, the pair always seem to do and say whatever they feel, and always let their emotions out while he never reveals what he is thinking or feeling and always keeps everything to himself. Kyoya and the twins are polar opposites, and it is painfully obvious when they are alone together.

_Alone together._

What a perfect way to describe his loneliness, Kyoya mused. Even with his friends he felt alone.

Hikaru sighed dramatically, hanging his head.

"Kyoya-sempai, you are just too responsible for your own good…"

"Yeah, now how will we find Tamaki! He stole my gloves, I'll freeze out here if you don't help us!"

Kaoru added, pressing a hand to his forehead in dismay and dramatically stumbling back into his brother's arms. Hikaru clutched his brother close, looking as if he may cry as he peered down at his mirror image.

"No Kaoru, don't die on me!"

Kyoya pressed a finger to the bridge of his nose as he realized people were beginning to stare, before reaching into his coat pocket with a sigh.

"Cut it out, idiots, before you draw in a crowd. Here."

He held out a pair of black leather gloves.

"I'm not using my gloves, so you may borrow them."

The twins blinked, obviously surprised by the offering.

"Oh, well- I guess that works, too…"

Kaoru finally piped up, taking the gloves from his sempai. Kyoya peered at the twins, observing their odd reaction.

"What, is something wrong with using my gloves?"

They shook their heads together.

"No, we just didn't expect you to lend them to us!"

Kyoya rolled his eyes, turning back towards the school and grumbling

"You two make me sound like a monster…"

"Aw, but monsters don't lend people their gloves~"

Kaoru sing-songed, linking arms with the dark haired teen and looking up at him innocently.

"Yeah," Hikaru mirrored, cuddling up to his sempai, "you must really like us, mommy~"

Kyoya quickly shrugged them off, adjusting his glasses once more.

"You two are just as bad as Tamaki; why don't you go bother someone else?"

But the twins only shrugged and shared a grin, before turning arm-in-arm to go.

"Fine, go do your class rep. stuff, overachiever~"

Kaoru teased, waving over his shoulder before Hikaru paused.

"Oh, by the way- boss said that we should have a meeting before the club opens, today."

"I bet it's about birthday plans for you, so you have that to look forward to~"

Kaoru added, flashing a grin. Kyoya blinked in genuine surprise.

"My birthday?"

The twins blinked back at him, surprised by his reaction.

"Your birthday is coming up soon, isn't it?"

Kyoya furrowed his brow.

"Why would _you_ know that…?"

The twins laughed together, before turning to go again.

"Now you're making _us _sound like the monster- of course we remember your birthday! Seeya later, sempai!"

He watched them go, too deep in thought to notice the cold. Sometimes the twins were almost too difficult to interoperate; why on earth would they remember his birthday? They had nothing to gain from it… But now, of course, they had gained his attention. Kyoya's feelings seemed to churn in his stomach uneasily, and he seemed to dance between feeling flattered and feeling guilty. Hikaru and Kaoru trusted him, were nice to him, even knew his birthday- yet were blown away when he did something as little as offer his gloves. Were little gestures like that really so nice, or was he just too cold to expect things from? Maybe Kyoya _was _a monster.

"_All you do is cause problems and bring shame to this family!"_

Kyoya shook his head and quickly continued up the steps, finally entering the school and welcoming the warmth it held. This was no time to let his control waver- the twins had caught him by surprise, but his walls were too thick to be penetrated so easily. Knowing his birthday was all fine and well, but Kyoya was not going to let himself find false comfort in something so trivial. Hikaru and Kaoru didn't _really _ know him or what he was hiding beneath his sleeve, and if they did they wouldn't want to be his friend.

As close with him as his friends seemed Kyoya knew they could never _really _be close as long as he wore his mask, but it was better that way. One unguarded conversation with the twins, and now he felt like a monster! Why deal with that pain? Kyoya knew from experience that the closer someone is, the easier it is for them to hurt you. Keeping everyone at a distance keeps Kyoya in control. Shutting everyone out keeps him from getting hurt.

_And I'm happy_.

Kyoya mused as he entered his classroom, offering polite greetings to his fellow early-comers.

_I'm lonely, but I'm happy._

Kyoya paused a moment at his desk, setting down his bag. No, they wouldn't believe it unless he believed it.

_I'm happy._

~KKHKK~

I'm totally making up this story as it goes, so feel free to review with an idea of how Host members could reach out to Kyoya. I definitely have plans in the future for dramatic times with Haruhi and Tamaki, I think that's what we're all here for. :p


	3. Chapter 3

Well, you can thank Hurricane Sandy for this update, since I finally had some time to just work on my writing since school was cancelled~ (did I just reveal where I live? :p) Enjoy another peek into Kyoya's dark life!

~KMHKMHKMH~

"Aaw, Kyo-chan looks tired today~"

"Hm?"

Kyoya looked up from the book he had been reading, feeling like he had just swam a long way up to resurface in a pool. He had always been the kind of person to really immerse himself in a book, it always being relaxing to plunge into a world that was not his own. Now though as he lifted his gaze he found a pair of golden brown eyes blinking back at him, attentive.

"You should take a nap, Kyo-chan!"

The dark haired teen scoffed.

"I think not."

The little blonde pursed his lips.

"But you look sleepy!"

Kyoya lifted a well-manicured brow.

"Do you mean to say I'm not looking my best today?"

He knew it wasn't what Hunny had meant, but it was amusing to see the third-year scramble to explain himself. The blonde quickly waved his hands in front of him.

"No, I didn't mean that- you look fine!"

Then he grinned, giving a wink.

"I can just tell, you know?"

Just as he said it Mori approached to take his usual position at Hunny's side, eyes flicking between the two as if curious what they could be talking about. Kyoya blinked back at the pair, a little taken aback. It was moments like this that truly made him question if Hunny and Mori knew his secret. They never got too much attention in the host club but they themselves were a very attentive pair, and although Hunny usually seemed somewhat ditzy he was actually one of the sharpest people Kyoya knew. Almost nothing got past the pair, which made Kyoya slightly paranoid: could they possibly know what he was hiding?

No, it was not possible. Kyoya knew he had taken all the necessary precautions- there was no way he could have given any hint about how he truly felt. His father may think that he couldn't do anything right, but Kyoya certainly knew that he could keep a secret remarkably well.

Mori took a seat on the couch beside Kyoya and Hunny scrambled up to settle in his tall friend's lap, usa-chan clutched firmly against his chest.

"You know," Hunny continued, Kyoya setting his book aside as he realized this was going to be a full-fledged conversation, "sometimes I can't sleep when I have something crazy on my mind. Is that it? Maybe you're excited for your birthday! Or is it something else?"

Those brown eyes were watching him again, and it almost confused Kyoya. Why was he suddenly getting this attention from the host club seniors, when normally they could sometimes go an entire day without noticing each other? It almost made him uncomfortable, but at the same time he could feel a much warmer feeling stirring inside him… They had noticed he was tired, and they too had remembered his upcoming birthday. He hadn't realized before that his friends were so attentive- or maybe the word was caring…

Kyoya adjusted his glasses, peering at his senior.

"I simply was up late working on homework- something as frivolous as my birthday preventing me from sleeping would just be silly…"

For a moment Kyoya mused what the reaction would be if he actually told the truth. What if he had told the little blonde looking up at him that his father had harassed and barraged him half the night, causing him to spend the rest of his night slicing himself open out of misery and shame? The idea was absurd and here lied the problem Kyoya faced whenever he was faced with the kindness of a friend: these friends were his friend because they liked who he was, but the person he pretended to be around them was not the real him. If Hunny or Mori or any of the Hosts were to find out how worthless and empty he really was, they would want nothing to do with him.

Hunny laughed.

"Getting excited about your birthday isn't silly, silly! Well, anyway, let us know if anything is troubling you- Mori and I are expert advice-givers, you know~! We help people out all the time- we need to start a business or something! I was excited to try our powers out on you~"

The blonde flashed a smile, and Kyoya responded

"Like I said, I simply was working on homework- although the sentiment is appreciated…"

It was a bit of a slip. He really _did _appreciate the consideration, but there was no need to open up about it… Revealing how he truly felt would only lead to hurt- he would probably have to be extra secretive around the pair now that he had expressed that he liked their attention… Kyoya always had to remember that the only reason the Host Club was so enjoyable was because he was in control; the slits on his wrists let him control all the turmoil in his life so that for a few hours each day he could relax and be with friends and feel like he was good at something. Kyoya truly enjoyed the Host Club, running it made him feel powerful and seeing his friends made him feel cared for- but the only reason he had any of that was because of his control. Scars on his wrist were much easier to hide than a broken heart and Kyoya knew his happiness would only last as long as he kept his secret. Little slip-ups like this, he could not afford.

"No problem."

Mori closed the conversation quietly, his dark eyes catching Kyoya's own through his glasses. The gaze made Kyoya's heart skip a beat, made him question once more- could he know?

But no, it was not possible. Kyoya was in complete control of his situation- not Mori and Hunny, or his father, or anyone else. Friendship was sweet, but the only thing Kyoya knew he could always depend on was himself. Himself, and the scars beneath his sleeves.

~KHMKHMKHM~

Oooh, chilling. Hope you appreciated the little way Hunny and Mori impacted Kyoya's day~ Next up is Haruhi, and that chapter is definitely going to be a jam-packed one! Please review~


	4. Chapter 4

It's been too long! For a while I thought this was just too tough to keep writing, but it kept gaining followers and reviews and so I felt it was too popular to give up on yet. You kept it alive! So here it is folks! A very Haruhi-centric chapter- enjoy!

~HKHKHKH~

He was beginning to feel distracted. It was the end of the day: club activities were coming to a close, and the Hosts were beginning the usual rituals of tiding up and gathering their things to depart. Chatter filled the room which Kyoya had come to easily drown out as he balanced the books for the day but now, as he worked, other details were beginning to stir him. He would be writing in his black book and suddenly notice the scratching sound of his pencil on the paper, carving dark lines into the otherwise clean sheet with a sound that seemed to get louder and louder with each stroke. Or he would pause to figure a calculation in his head, but suddenly find it impossible to do with the clock hanging on the wall behind him ticking so loudly and clearly behind him. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. How had he not noticed how loud the clock was before? Now it seemed impossible to ignore.

As he sat in his arm chair, legs crossed and staring down at his work, Kyoya could feel reality beginning to close in on him. It happened every day around this time: the tea sets and costumes were put away at the end of the Host Club each day, and Kyoya's peace of mind went with it as he again was forced to face the reality outside the club room walls. In here, he was hard working, and happy. But out there- at home- he was the third son. Out of place. Worthless.

_You are an embarrassment! All you do is cause problems and bring shame to this family!_

Kyoya sighed, shaking his head to clear his thoughts. There was no reason to be moping like a child right now- it certainly wasn't going to get his work done any faster. Quickly he finished recording the day's figures and closed his book, returning it to his school bag before standing. The Hosts were how he had left them: Hunny and Mori sat at a table to themselves, chatting and finishing up the cake they had been working at all afternoon. The twins had gotten Tamaki worked up about something who now was now arguing passionately against the cackling pair, and Haruhi seemed to be dancing between breaking the three up to help her clean and just giving up to continue tiding herself. Kyoya watched them all for a moment, hands dug in his pockets, feeling as though he was peering at them through a window.

He would never fully understand the wall between him and them but he knew it was there. They could play and he could not. They could dream and he could not. They were happy and he was not. He could never understand it. They all had flaws, they all suffered in some way or another, but somehow, they were happy. They had friends and he had control. The control that was throbbing against the fabric of his pockets now, irritated by the contact. He needed control because he was weak- too weak to move on or find happiness the way his fellow Hosts had.

Kyoya turned and headed into the small kitchenette in the back, wanting to be sure it was tidy before he left. A quick inspection revealed there was still some coffee out, leftover but still warm enough to entice Kyoya into having a cup. The moment he poured it he realized how much he needed it, his exhaustion too familiar but not easily ignored. He started for the door with his coffee when suddenly the door swung open, striking his side before he could react.

"Kyoya-sempai!" Haruhi exclaimed, blinking at him with wide, surprised eyes. She gasped when she saw she had spilled his coffee on him.

"I'm so sorry! Here-"

She quickly set down the tray she had been carrying in and grabbed a towel, beginning to pat down the stain forming on his uniform. Kyoya let her work without comment for a moment, finding the entire situation so odd he felt frozen. He wanted to laugh, but he didn't know why- she was just so sorry and so fretful as she patted at his jacket, like she really honestly cared about the jacket and the coffee and him. It was almost touching- but he found that funny too, because he realized he sounded as ridiculous as Tamaki in the way he was building up Haruhi in his head. Any decently polite person would help someone they spilled coffee on.

"It's alright Haruhi, you don't have to…"

Haruhi patted his shoulder with the towel, moving down his arm to the end of his sleeve. Then in one simple motion, too fast for Kyoya to stop before it happened, she rolled up his sleeve a little to continue her job. Kyoya's stomach turned to ice as he saw her flick up his sleeve- so innocently, so simply, not realizing she had just ripped open a door Kyoya had worked to keep locked every minute of the day for years. Before he could pull his arm away his scars were exposed and all at once he could see Haruhi freeze.

Silence stretched on between them, both frozen, Kyoya's heart thumping so wildly in his ears he's sure he wouldn't have heard her even if she had spoken. Slowly she lifted her eyes to look at him, into him, wide brown eyes that said more than she ever could. Suddenly his mind was racing, his heart was racing, he was racing to say something, _anything, _before all his years of secrecy slipped through his fingers.

"You really should be more careful, Haruhi, bounding through the door like that is more of a Hitachiin characteristic, don't you think?"

He rolled down his sleeve again and adjusted his jacket like nothing had happened. The poise with which he spoke shocked even himself, his mind screaming at him to get out of there. He offered her a polite smile, as though she hadn't seen his scars, as though she had simply spilled some coffee and it was still just a silly mishap he wanted to laugh about.

"But it's no harm done- I'll go change."

She stared at him in complete shock, unable to process what was happening, and he took the opportunity to head for the door. But before he could escape Haruhi was finally able to sputter

"Kyoya- what _were _those-!"

He froze with his hand on the door, not turning to look at her.

"I don't know what you mean."

He said quietly. Her volume did not match.

"Did you- did you do that to _yourself_?"

Slowly he turned back to face her, and the sudden weight in his voice and burning in his eyes took her aback.

"Whatever you're thinking Haruhi, you're completely wrong. You're wrong, so just drop it."

She shook her head.

"I know what I saw!"

"No you don't!"

He yelled, furious. She jumped back and the fear in her eyes tamed him instantly. He had to keep calm. He had to fix this. He spoke slowly and firmly.

"You don't understand at all Haruhi, so just let it go. This is my private matter and I would appreciate it if you let it remain private."

She looked like she was going to protest but the look on his face stopped her and instead she just slowly nodded. Satisfied, Kyoya spun on his heel and stalked out of the room. His head was spinning- how could something he had worked so hard on all fall to pieces so easily! Now Haruhi had seen his scars. She had nodded her consent to keep his secret but he could never take back what she saw- the look on her wide brown eyes seemed frozen in his mind's eye, haunting him. He couldn't let his control be unraveled- not after all this time. He frantically tried to reassure himself as he changed that all was not lost. Haruhi would keep his secret. They would all go home soon and she would forget and he would forget and everything would return to the way they were. He was still in control.

He looked at himself in the mirror, new uniform almost feeling too stiff and clean for the state his mind was in at the moment. He gulped, willing himself to calm down.

He was still in control.

~HKHKHKHK~

Haruhi has discovered Kyoya's secret! What will she do with this shocking news? Next chapter is Tamaki-centric, and hopefully wont take as long as this one did. Please continue to follow and review, it really is what is keeping this story alive.


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